Writing, agendas, inflexibility and ego

I have immersed myself in research. I feel I will be stuck in this mode forever. I would love to be here, giving opinions on the state of this country, the turmoil and strife, but I don't have enough time to do that. Perhaps, I'm letting situations trick me into this belief. I watch movies at night. Older movies. I drink a lot of coffee. I am working towards eventually having my own practice, but I am prepared for the long haul. I have never shied away from hard work, and this is no exception. However, I feel like I'm in AA right now. "Hello, my name is Anna Katherine and it has been three years since my last blog post."

I have lost a friend over the last week. I knew him online, but had known him for upwards of five years. We communicated primarily on Facebook, where I rarely get to spend time currently, but had a cordial and amusing friendship, so I thought. He is in the midst of some house cleaning and has "unfriended" me and some mutual friends. He called this "maintaining a professional presence in his place of business". I found this to be curious, as Facebook isn't a place I would consider conducting my business, but I digress. This seemed to come to a head following a disagreement on a friend's comment thread. As an aside, I try not to let ego inflate my opinions. If I have something I want to present as fact, I will back it up with sound evidence. I don't believe in conspiracy theories. I don't live paranoid. One of the biggest roadblocks that we as humans have is inflexibility. We love to argue, even over the most trivial of things. If one lets their knowledge of the past cloud the present, we are left with an uncertain future. No one likes someone who is constantly officious in their dealings.

The most brazen part of my last dealings with said individual were his demands to speak on the phone and to not just be "words in a box", and yes, it was his demand that I did this. I am a twenty eight year old woman with a doctorate in Psychology who works, researches and also needs time to have meals and drink copious amounts of coffee, both during and outside of these things. I also must sleep. I do not respond well to demands. My last words to him were, "As you wish", in reference to having to cut ties on Facebook with friends and family. At this point, I feel that I've taken enough time writing about this. Perhaps I'm an awful friend. Perhaps I could have bent a little. However, my friends have never made demands of me before. You can draw your own conclusions from there.

If I can, I'd like to make a weekly visit back here. It is something I truly miss doing. Blogging can be a bit therapeutic. 

Little hiccups

I managed to detach myself from humanity for a while, and while it was a blissful several months, I believe I managed to alienate several people. I suppose it is due to a lack to insight into the mind of Miss Anna Katherine Novak, but I digress. I need to take these sabbaticals from time to time. I need to turn off everything and tune out everyone. There are few people over the years who have understood this about me. I was also in the hospital for a short time. I care not to get into why. I only mention it as a reference to my detachment and part of the reason why I felt the need to escape. I have been down similar roads in the past. I will continue to stumble and make the wrong decisions, simply due to being a flawed human being, despite my high IQ. So then, I will continue to make some reparations and work towards some form of peace in my skull. To the people who I have managed to agitate and/or alienate: I'm sorry, but I still would not change how I handled everything.

I am here

I have not been very dedicated to my blog as of late. A few things happened over the course of the last four weeks that have considerably altered my universe. I will be leaving very soon and returning to my home state of Minnesota. I've mentioned that already. The other has to do with a friend and an incident that turned out to be traumatizing to everyone involved. I really don't know if I should get into personal details about such a thing in a very public place like this, but the experience has altered the lives of four people in a very, very powerful way. The things I've experienced in my time here, some 1,000+ miles away from home, have been a myriad of encounters I've never had in my life. I am, by nature, a very solitary person. The events of my past have molded my level of trust, so the few people who have managed to break through that will always have a space in my memory until the day I die. These girls, and a small handful of other people I've met, are in that category. Anyway, my plans are to spend a lot of time with my family and to find gameful employ, as well as continue my studies. One thing I want to do is keep what I reveal here fresh and interesting. What I've written here might not qualify as interesting or noteworthy, rather, it is an explanation of sorts. Perhaps even a promise. I will try to be more open. I will try to give more of myself.

The decisions will not get any easier

Leaving Pennsylvania is not going to be easy. I thought it would be when first came here to go to college. I would say that I'm a more introverted, solitary person, so I didn't expect to make a ton of friends and have deep rooted connections here. It is nice to be wrong sometimes. It happens. I can admit when I'm wrong. I am also not someone who has, in the past, made strong female friendships. Most of my longest friendships were with guys. It's very interesting that I've grown so close to so many girls in my time here. There is one in particular who has been my support system in many ways. She has seen me at some of the lowest points of my life and has not left my side. That alone is cause for accolades. I will also admit that I love this girl with every ounce of me. I would do anything for her, as she would for me. For a short time, I thought I might consider staying on the East Coast, but I know that my heart and my home is in Minnesota, so I will return there soon. I only wish this decision didn't hurt as much as it does. Opportunity could be greater here. I'm certain that the money would be better, too. Those things do not matter much to me. I'm not cut out for big city life or the fast pace here. I've adjusted, but I want to readjust to what I know. I need to be home. I will be losing people with the distance between, but I knew from the start that this was a temporary thing. An experience, if you will. I don't know what the future holds, but those here who love me will hopefully keep me in their hearts. I know I will. Besides, planes are a fast mode of travel.

Living with depression

My closest friends know the battle I must wage against the demons in my head each day I wake. I do not like to hit people over the head with this tidbit of information for a number of reasons. People often get a certain impression of me when they first meet me, and it's usually correct. I am good natured, sweet, caring, giving, etc. There are many things I've done in my past that I deeply regret. I've always prided myself on my ability to rationalize any situation. However, being someone who is extremely sensitive, I am prone to making stupid mistakes. You wouldn't imagine that I would be, but there it is. Some of these things I simply cannot get into in a public forum such as this. I will say that I've lived my entire life dealing with a spirit crushing depression that almost got the best of me a few years back. I am still here. I am breathing, living, loving and experiencing everything I've dreamed of. I have righted the ship, for now. I know it will be something I will always have to control. I will overcome. I will win. I do not have any other option.

In my browsing of Facebook, I realize my evolution

I tend to get friend requests on Facebook fairly often. Usually, I don't know the people. Sometimes, the requests are from other editors or poets. (I am an editor, of sorts.) My latest friend addition has a bit of an incendiary nature, but it's in the good way. The way that incites thought. Looking at the views of people, in 2010, that can produce a commercial about how same sex marriage is bad through the bad acting of children only shows their intolerance, ignorance and extremely bad taste. This friend has been posting these videos in disgust. I've been just as dismayed watching them. I am legitimately afraid for the future, and that says a lot coming from a 23 year old female. The slow and steady reorganization of religion this century worries a logical thinker like myself. So what happens now? Does a slow resurgence of the right wing make you scared? It should.

A new beginning

Hi. It's Anna Katherine. I'm back to blogging and this time, I plan to stick with it. Tomorrow will be the first official post. For now, I'd like you to visit here.